Yes, I Saw That. No, I Won’t Forget

I learn the most when I am quiet.

I am seldom quiet. It does not mean that I am not always paying attention.

I suffer from a fear of silence and stillness, so I am possessed of a spirit of busyness, which distracts me from watchfulness. My gift of discernment is a treasure for which I should routinely make space. I am cultivating more quiet, more rest in my days. It is necessary. It is also an act of worship.

When the Divine requires my full attention, when I have not gotten the message timely, I am stilled.

It is seldom pretty.

When I wrote this in late 2019, I was recovering from an unspecified bacterial infection. Not only was my MD unable to determine its origin, but we also couldn’t establish how long I’d be trying to overcome it. (I suspect it was COVID-19, but as yet, I do not know.) As she said when she diagnosed my hypertension after an extended period of sustained high stress, “a less stubborn person would’ve had a stroke by now.” That is not a compliment.

Whenever I am forced to slow down, I collapse.

“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.”

 Cynthia Occelli

I have not yet learned to rest before necessary, so God, in Her Infinite Wisdom, sent my 2020 word to ensure that I see clearly. 20/20 will be my year of clear seeing.

However, let’s be clear….yes, I saw that, and no, I won’t forget it.